Season 3, Episode 16: "Offspring"

So, having delved this far into the series, I've come to understand that TNG can have episodes with the most insane, unintentionally comedic, decidedly inappropriate stuff in them, yet leave you with watery eyes and a lump in your throat by the end. "Offspring" is definitely one of those episodes, so strap in and ENGAGE!

We begin with Troi, Wesley, and Geordi being summoned by Data to a lab on the Enterprise where apparently he's been holed up for weeks ever since returning from a Federation robotics & technology conference. When they arrive, Data proudly announces that he is now the "Father" of a creepy genderless android-thing named “Lal" with a positronic brain just like his.
Geordi, Wes, and Troi politely mask their terror at the sight of this godless abomination and ask him how the hell this was possible since no one has been able to successfully replicate Data's creator's work on positronic brains and advanced cybernetics. Data waves this off by saying he learned of new advances at the conference. I'm sure this is all going to work out fine.


When word gets back to Jean-Luc about Data's experiment, he is PISSED, and immediately asks Data why he didn't consult with him before building an android on the ship. Data, visibly confused, says "but Captain, you wouldn't ask two human crewmembers to consult you on their procreation." Tou-FUCKING-che', o' Capitaine!
Data enlists the counselor to aid Lal in choosing a gender in the Holodeck, which Data has programmed with "several thousand" potential options. Deanna finds this so tedious that she falls asleep during the process, and is awakened when it gets down to the final four - An Andorian female, a Klingon male, and a human male and female. Lal goes with the human female, who looks like Moe Howard in a Handmaid's Tale outfit.
We then launch into something TNG always does remarkably well - comment on the human condition and what it means to be human through a sci-fi scenario. In this case, a new android lifeform learning and integrating into human society. Lal is cute and speaks just like Data, but has a rough time fitting in because she's too naive to be with the Enterprise's teen students, and the young children are afraid of her. Data then has the bright idea to expose Lal to human behavior and customs by putting her to work as a server in Guinan's lounge, and let me tell you folks, this stuff is comedy GOLD.
Lal serves drinks and observes crewmembers laughing, flirting, holding hands, and kissing. She asks Guinan what it all means, and she tells Lal it's how humans show affection towards one another. During one of her shifts, Riker--who has been off-ship and doesn't know about Lal at all--shows up in Ten-Forward and because he is the biggest garbage dick in the universe, he immediately launches into Lando Calrissian "hello, what have we here?" mode. Lal grabs Riker and hauls him up over the bar and plants a huge kiss on his shocked mug just as Data enters and hilariously asks, "Commander Riker, what are your intentions with my daughter???" Amazing.


While Picard and the crew warm to Lal's presence, Admiral Haffel from Starfleet doesn't share their optimistic appraisal of the situation and wants to take custody of Lal so they can further observe her development in their labs on Earth. Data and Picard argue with Admiral Asshole that Lal is a new sentient lifeform and Data is her parent, and therefore they are imbued with and protected by the rights of any Federation citizen not to be taken into state custody against their will.
Lal meanwhile, learns of the Admiral's plans to take her away from Data and off the Enterprise and shows up to Deanna's quarters feeling something Data never could - fear. Troi is astonished because her Betazoid abilities can actually sense it! Sadly, The emotional reaction is so severe that is causes cascade failure in Lal's positronic brain, which the combined efforts of Data and Admiral Asswipe cannot repair. Data embraces Lal and apologizes to her that he could not save her, but Lal thanks Data for her life. She lets him know she loves him and will feel the emotion for both of them. Data later tells the crew on the bridge that although he cannot feel Lal's loss, he transferred her memories into his brain so that she can always be a part of him. OH MY GOD NIAGRA FALLS, FRANKIE ANGEL. *sobs*
Location: New York, NY, USA

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